Strokes on the keyboard and racing thoughts.
The sound of the cord to my headphones rubbing against the wooden table as I bounce my head around to the beat of the music.
The ideas I have float in my head until I sit down at my desk. This means when it’s flowing, it goes. I have to run to keep up and if the opportunity gets away from me, it could be weeks until my next opening. The feelings attached to being a writer and wanting your work read so badly, are like this endless stream of let downs and sadness. I’m swimming against the current and i’m taking on water. More and more water as I go.
I always thought that life was about reaching this peak of happiness. We climb our way up with hope in our hearts and stars in our eyes. The path is difficult and the weather shifts with each season. You scrape your knees and break your nails. Your legs shake and your hands go numb – this journey is awakening and shapes you into the person you are going to be for the rest of your life.
You will continue to evolve with knowledge and experience, but this foundation remains unshaken.
Someone sent me this monologue from The Valley of the Dolls and it resonated with me in such a way that my thoughts immediately became more clear and direct. Sometimes that is all it takes to set your hands on fire. The inspiration to say what you feel and share what you think about it all.
About life and love and sex and hate.
You’ve got to climb to the top of Mount Everest
to reach the Valley of the Dolls.
It’s a brutal climb to reach that peak,
which so few have seen.
You never knew what was really up there,
but the last thing you expect to find
was the Valley of the Dolls.
You stand there, waiting for
the rush of exhilaration
you thought you’d feel- but
it doesn’t come.
You’re too far away to hear the applause
and take your bows.
And there’s no place left to climb.
You’re alone, and the feeling of loneliness is overpowering.
The air is so thin you can scarcely breathe.
You’ve made it-and the world says
you’re a hero.
But it was more fun at the bottom
when you started, with nothing more than hope and
the dream of fulfillment.
All you saw was the top of that mountain-
there was no one to tell you
about the Valley of the Dolls.
But it’s different when you reach the summit.
The elements have left you battered,
deafened, sightless-and too weary
to enjoy your victory.
– Valley of the Dolls, Jacqueline Susann
You see, I have learned there is no peak. There’s only a plateau when you get weak and need to breathe.
There’s this space you can find yourself if you stop the climb and no one really knows where that goes. I suspect that’s what happens when you can no longer see the peak of the mountain. The clouds roll in and the thought of going into the unknown is too daunting a task.
You curl up and stay – waiting for the sky to clear.
I’ve never been one of those people.
I’ll never stop chasing the sun.
I’ll never stop climbing.