An Honest Elaboration

posted by August 6, 2017 0 comments

Your under the breath comments directed toward me sting a little.

I can’t pretend that my skin is thick when it’s thin.

You chip away at the woman I’ve built over the past twenty years; a woman I’m proud to be.

The woman you loved more than you ever thought possible.

You discredit my words and tear down my confidence like it’s made of paper.

Even still, I hope you remember the good that existed in tiny pockets.

I want you to know it’s going to get harder for you as the days pass and my knowledge grows.

You see, I’ve given myself to only a few human beings in this world. I can count on one hand just how many have sat across from me or have held my head on their shoulder as I ramble on. My musings on life and love dance off your lips as we shared breath or a kiss. I’m wide open on paper but it’s something else for me to share pieces of myself and my heart when I’m sharing physical space with you. My hands grow tense and my eyes search for the nearest exit. I haven’t suffered much heartbreak aside from that which comes with failure after years of trying to keep it all together.

I’m afraid to walk into this world alone and vulnerable in this way. I’m naive in my belief that there is this kindness and honesty in every person I meet.

I hope that somewhere deep down, they’re a little like me and wading in empathy.

It takes something special. Something I see in your eyes and in the way you look into mine that is hard to find. A calm and ease – a kind way of being. I have to feel safe and warm – my body and mind held by yours and softness. The softness that allows my words to soak through your skin and into your bones.

Photo by Greer Inez

My flaws exist and muddle my thoughts with wondering why I’m not good enough for the world as I am. I self doubt more than anyone could ever know and I have days that only exist for me to question my existence and everything I believe in. I’m afraid that no one will ever see through it all and find the person I am. I wait for arms around my waist and whispers of adoration in my ear as we do the most mundane things.

Living with this feeling of something bigger is coming; a twin flame

It’s all so fucking heavy all the time.

When a chapter closes; new or old, it’s hard for me to walk away and leave it all behind. The pieces of me that I’ve given; the pieces that can’t be taken back.

I want you to know that my weakness is this;

My weakness is the worry – the worry that you never meant what you said and that the words I laid at your feet were stepped on. It was hard for me to open up to you. Each and every one of you. But no matter, I will still be who I am and I’ll still remember the honest exchange we had.

If you don’t like what you see, change the channel babe.

Tow the line and let everything we had fade to black as time goes by.

But I ask you to hold your tongue if your words are full of spite. Hush your voice if it’s tinged with hate.

Disconnect from the past and move forward in a true and honest way.

I’m Free babe and just who I need to be for me.

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