Pain rushes from under my arm and right out of my nipple. This constant tide of sharp unbearable pain. With each swallow my eyes close and I breathe deep- and exhale it away. Another round of clogged ducts, sore breasts, and that bleb that keeps coming back to your favorite boob.
We lay here… Intertwined as we always do. I hear the clack of your tongue as you push the milk into your throat. My eyes follow the glow of my screen toward your sweet round face. You are almost there. Almost asleep.
I love the way you pull and push my skin like a fresh kitten at her mother’s teat. You know just what to do to bring my milk down all on your own. This is engrained in you- this work.
I often describe this continuous flowing river of complete harmony – when talking about my children. What I often forget to mention… Are the boulders that force the raging waters to turn unexpectedly. While most days our river is calm and meandering, the rain does come.
Pouring down – covering us.
Our river thrashes, waves breaking over the shore.
Flooding our plains- the mud heavy on our feet.
To pull ourselves from this heavy weight, we hold out our hands. Reaching for one another and asking for help. Just a little pull to get out.
This is where we need our village. Sisters connected by motherhood or passion.
Sisters that come to you when you need an extra hand.
My week was full… Full of whines and whimpers, tears, fevers, and cuddles.
My week was hard and sleepless, full of hopes for the better and loneliness.
I held my feverish Birdy while her sister bounced and smiled. I lived in my pajamas and unwashed hair.
We snuggled, we cried, we watched Peppa Pig. SO MUCH PEPPA PIG.
This is our first real sickness.
each coughing fit knocks the wind right out of her sails.
My free and wild Bird is grounded.
When one of my children are sick, it pulls me into a place I would rather not be. Instead of being in my normal positive state, I am brought to a place of what if’s and complete sadness. My empathy overflows and I am pulled into the sickness with them. I have to remind myself to get back to my center, to let go of what it is I can’t change and to just surround them.
This is why it is so important to take time out to pause and evaluate.
I knew that soon- Ever would show signs of this. But I never expected what has arrived.
As mothers we give. We give until there isn’t much left for ourselves. When left alone it can feel like you’re in the room with a stranger. Looking in the mirror feeling one emotion right after the next.
Lately mine is hope quickly followed with defeat. I am tired and overwhelmed.
We control our own mood, our outlook, our energy.
That same energy is given to our babies – sick or well.
This is why the women we choose to be in our circle must be able to balance our energy. Our circle must be filled with empathetic mothers that know what it is to just want. To want something so badly for their children. Whether it be education, good health, or for everything in the world that is special to be pulled directly into their children’s lives.
I reached out today. After nine days of sickness and no end in sight, I asked my fellow mothers for a hand.
Today I will wrap my arms around each of them as they walk into my home. I will say thank you and I will feel a complete gratitude that will be impossible to express.
Some of this weight will be lifted from my feet and I will be able to walk again.